trust...

Addy took pictures of me holding Jase...

January's visiting teaching message included a quote by Sister Julie B. Beck: "As spirit daughters of God, women 'received their first lessons in the world of spirits and were prepared to come forth' (D&C 138:56) on the earth." What a miracle and blessing that is. We were trained and taught about motherhood in heaven! When I look at my sweet baby and see the perfect innocence and trust in his eyes, I feel inspired to be a better mother.

Before Jase was born, I read the book "Baby Wise." Even before reading it, I felt apprehensive about it. The book itself is pretty controversial. The basic concept of the "baby wise" theory is that parents schedule their newborn babies to eat and sleep...well, on a schedule. As a mother, I have not been much of a scheduler. I kind of like to be able to take my own sweet time, come and go as I please, etc.

It is kind of strange to me that I don't really schedule my life, because before motherhood, I kept up a very demanding, rigid schedule. In fact, I craved it, depended on it. I purposely registered for the 7:40 am class at ASU, knowing that would require me to rise early. I did my very best to arrange my schedule to have back to back classes with no down time (aka. wasted time). I ate lunch while walking to work or to my car. Then later, when I started working full time, I switched to night school and worked full-time and went to school full-time.

Then, with the birth of Kennady, I went 180 degrees...total opposite direction. It was a hard adjustment for me. I remember trying to create a semblance of normal, to create a regiment for myself. I remember living for 1:00 when "I Love Lucy" would come on television. Then, we would take our daily walk to the park. I don't know when that ritual ended, but somehow it faded from my life, along with the need to follow a regimented schedule. As far as motherhood techniques, I basically just did whatever felt right to me and whatever worked for my baby.

But, for some reason, when I was getting ready to have my fourth, I worried. Maybe I was worried because he was my first boy and I didn't know how I would feel about that or adjust to that. Maybe I was worried because this is the first time I would have a newborn and a child in school every day. I really don't know what had me so worried, but I ended up borrowing the book from Sarah. Before I even opened the book, I sat and looked at it. I was afraid to read it. I had followed my instincts with my other babies and I honestly feel like we all did great. But, then the logical side of me kicked in; a book cannot change the way I decide to feel or what I would decide to do, right? So, I read it. As is my way with most books that I read, I read it in a day. As I read the last page and closed the book, I though to myself, "What is the big idea? It is not that radical. So, you feed your baby. You put your baby to sleep." It didn't seem that different from what I had done. So, I decided to do it. Sarah has done baby wise with three of her five babies. She loves it. It works for her. So, when I decided to apply it, she was such so supportive. And...I love her. I admire her. Her parenting style is very similar to my parenting style. So, I assumed that since it worked for her, it would work for me.

Well, after Jase was born, I did my best to follow the principles taught in baby wise. I tried to hold off on feeding him until it had been at least 2 1/2 hours from his last feeding. I tried to lay him in bed awake, in the effort to teach him how to put himself to sleep. Then, I would listen to him cry. It devastated me to feel like I couldn't comfort my baby because I wasn't allowed to. I know it is crazy. Of course I could comfort my baby. I just felt like I couldn't because Baby Wise told me I couldn't. Now I am not usually so easily swayed. But, I see the benefits of Baby Wise. It really would be great to have a two month old baby consistently sleeping for eight hours every night. So, I was torn...I wanted the benefits of baby wise, but I also wanted to follow my instincts to protect and comfort my baby.

Then, when I read the January visiting teaching message, I felt so much peace. Sister Beck talked about how women recevied their first training about motherhood in heaven. We were taught before we even came to earth. It gave me balance and courage. Courage to follow my instinct. To resign myself to the idea that Jase may not sleep through the night for a few more months, I may feed him one hour after he last ate, that he may want me to rock him to sleep...and I will give in. And that is okay with me.